It may be no surprise that poor communication and negative attitudes to ones partner are associated with higher levels of dissatisfaction and problems in a relationship.
But what fuels the conflict in a relationship that began so happily and harmoniously?
The two principle causes of conflict in any relationship are fear and the need to be right.
These two relationship killers manifest in the form of ego defences that are often unconscious learnt behaviours.
The need to be right
The concept of “right” and “wrong” is instilled in us during our school years when we are taught there is one correct answer to every problem.
Getting the problem right affirms a sense of self-worth for those with the accurate answer and shame or low-worth for those that get it wrong.
Is it possible that when problem solving in our relationships we have taken this model of black and white, good and bad into our relationships unconsciously?
The fact of the matter is that everyone has a right to a difference in opinion.
You can choose to win an argument but it will be at the cost of damaging your relationship.
Too often the common mantra heard is “If you change, I’ll be happy”.
The truth, however, is that you can choose to be right or happy but not both.
The need to be right is governed by the ego, a destructive force that can create all sorts of problems and eventually kill a relationship.
So how do you choose happiness in a relationship whilst forgoing the need to be right?
The number one duty of love is to actively listen and be curious.
Real love is patient, not easily angered or short tempered, it does not sulk.
Real love seeks to understand before being understood.
Fear
Fear is the other root of all defence mechanisms that can rear its ugly head in a relationship.
Love and Fear, however, are like repelling magnets that cannot exist together.
Fear can manifest in a game of withdraw and demand creating problems in communication.
One partner avoids conflict by withdrawing and the other fears rejection by chasing or demanding a response.
Any sense of threat perceived in a relationship appears in the form of defense mechanisms.
Defence mechanisms show up as behaviours that include blaming, scape-goating, sarcasm, shaming, name calling, judgement, stonewalling and projection.
Where there is love, however, there is no room for rudeness, meanness or jealousy, insults, degradation, blame, guilt, criticism, judgement, or physically acting out.
Defense mechanisms are fear based behaviours that cause most problems in a relationship.
The script that goes something like “You hurt me, so I’ll hurt you” will always end badly.
This game of tit for tat alienates, manipulates, shames and can permanently scar a relationship.
If you want to receive love, give up the need to be right and those niggling fearful thoughts about your partner.
